Need sex. Gaining weight.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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