So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
