I murdered the dance floor call the cops
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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