I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
