from now on my penis is your penis
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
