so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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