When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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