the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
