You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
