Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
