you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
