i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
