it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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