I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
