There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
