Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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