ADVERTISEMENT

• (616): View more from Michigan

  dude you need to get laid

  (906): View more from Michigan

  me?

  (616): View more from Michigan

  no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

  (906): View more from Michigan

  oh I thought you were talkin about me

  (906): View more from Michigan

  wait

  Fav 10 1637 2382

  share tweet
  

• (214): View more from Texas

  I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts

  Fav 20 3266 802

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (301): View more from Maryland

  It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

  Fav 6 4769 1360

  share tweet
  

• (605): View more from South Dakota

  mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me

  Fav 4 3458 1007

  share tweet
  

• (773): View more from Illinois

  The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.

  (206): View more from Washington

  I should have never moved out...

  Fav 1 629 722

  share tweet
  

• (718): View more from New York

  Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.

  Fav 4 758 526

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (865): View more from Tennessee

  I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.

  Fav 7 1475 645

  share tweet
  

• (850): View more from Florida

  He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.

  Fav 0 861 650

  share tweet
  

• (310): View more from California

  I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.

  Fav 1 532 863

  share tweet
  

• (707): View more from California

  One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.

  Fav 0 984 567

  share tweet
  

• (416): View more from Toronto

  Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.

  Fav 0 465 190

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (419): View more from Ohio

  I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.

  Fav 0 33 7

  share tweet
  

• (206): View more from Washington

  The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.

  Fav 0 16 42

  share tweet
  

• (310): View more from California

  And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!

  Fav 0 68 7

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (513): View more from Ohio

  Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.

  Fav 0 136 7

  share tweet
  

Randomize