I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Yo dont text me then not text me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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