I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
