When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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