nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
