Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
