i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
