I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize