The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
