the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
