Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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