I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
