Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
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