I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
