I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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