I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I need a beard to bite.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
