She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Is Oprah even human
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
