True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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