When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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