Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
