In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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