My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
