My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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