please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
