If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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