My first STD was from a foam party
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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