last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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