So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
