I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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