He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
