just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
