Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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