ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
