im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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