I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
