Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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