i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
