he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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