yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
North Korea, Best Korea!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize