I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
