Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
